Save you.

I want to fly, but I’m stuck on the ground.

 I want to start writing again, but there’s this indescribable deficiency that I can’t seem to conquer. I want to finally begin the life that I have acknowledged to deserve, but, … I don’t even know what’s the but for this one.

 I’ve thought that maybe I should stop looking for what is missing. I ought to focus on trying to flourish from what is given to me instead. It’s harsh that I don’t get to choose my cards but that doesn’t mean I can’t play them to my advantage, right? Besides, we have been told that our lemons are meant to be turned into lemonades. Umm..right. For now, holding on to the idea that I am intended to pick something up from each bump along the way will have to do. At least, literally and figuratively, I am allowed to believe that everything in the now is contributing to the future that I yearn for.

 I guess this all comes down my having to toughen this phase out and in due time, that semi-authority over my life will present itself to me. Who knows, maybe the big guy up there thinks I’m not ready yet. He wouldn’t want me to mess up on handling those opportunities. After all, big things do come to those who wait.

Uhhhh, okay.

Its been almost a week since my summer break officially started however haven't done something productive yet. I haven't seen my non-law school friends, haven't started my review and most of all, I haven't started fixing my things and throwing up my 2011-2012 stuff.

So anyway, I have been looking forward to this break so that I will have to think about my life in general and try to figure out what I wanted to do. I have been really really doing different measures lately so that I will "find" my lost self. Went as far as China to have my soul-searching there. And well, I think it worked. Found out some realizations about different things and well, I hope I get to act on it.

This semester has been a very hectic and emotional semester for me. Lots of issues to deal with, lots of dramas to go through and most of all, lots of explanations to do. I think this has gotten into me that I got tired of explaining myself to people and gotten tired of explaining myself to everyone else. So I shut up and did the most obvious thing any person would do: shut myself out. I don't know if this is actually working but I think it had. With what I did, I lost ties with some people, some I chose to cut ties with and some, well, we just kind of we spontaneously lose all those ties. And I think, that's how the cookie crumbles.

2012 is definitely going to be a remarkable year. Although we're still quarter-way, there are lots of stuff that's already happening and its just keeps getting better.

And I hope it gets really really better until the end of this year.

Please wish me luck ;)

Recovery

A friend of mine is going through a breakup.

A Disclaimer About Me & Breakups:
I am an amateur at it; a beginner in the area of saying goodbye. I’m not unfamiliar. It just hasn’t happened… enough. But, in the course of 22 years, I have sat by the side of different people with tragedies on their laps and hearts on their sleeves. Dumpers, dumpees — so many sad stories, I could write a book. There is no 12-step recovery guide. Just a weak heart and a million miles to grow. Some people get back up faster; some people stay down like their lives depended on it. I am still learning. We all are.

It wasn’t her first. On everyone’s first breakup, people always say the same thing. But when someone’s on their 3rd, 4th or 5th, you’re inclined to think outside the box. Here is my unorthodox advice to her: be selfish.

Which is funny because the world is pretty averse to selfishness. But the kind of selfish I’m talking about looks a lot like recovery.

I’m hardly ever sad these days and it takes a lot of honesty to tell you that. Some people think happiness is a mask but sometimes, happiness is just happiness. And I’m a predictably happy person.

But when I do fall apart, I hate it when people twist my arm into being okay. I know you don’t like seeing me this way but can you just let me… be?

And when I talk about selfishness, I mean: giving a person a season to grieve.

Not just when they’re enduring a breakup. But in every moment of sadness. There is so much about life that is inexplicably bad and people should be given the chance to feel horrible – even if their reasons seem ridiculous – even just for a moment.

When I am sad, I watch movies, stay at home, read books, write a little (but sometimes not at all). I do weird things to my hair, I lie on the floor with my stuffed toys by my side. I try to limit contact with the world. I eat cookies and I let my heart bleed out.

It sounds pathetic and grossly selfish but I think that little window of self-absorption is usually what catalyzes me towards healing. I need, in certain moments of brokenness, to prioritize my pain. I need to lavish myself with extravagant, senseless love. In a funny twist of irony, it is this act of grieving to heal that helps me love people better.

If you give people the opportunity to be selfish, they’ll take it – and then they’ll get sick of it. I know that there are a lot of selfish people in the world who don’t look like they’re going to change anytime soon. But, for the most part, selfishness is exhausting. And that’s because life, love, even heartbreak, is best shared with the people who love you through all seasons. Recovery reaches its fullness when you’re pressed together by that beautiful thing known as friendship.

The most loving thing some of my friends have ever done for me was let me break down. They surrendered me to my selfishness but they’d also pull me out if I stayed too long. I don’t think I could be any more grateful.

So, friend. Have this time to yourself. Be unconventionally immersed in all the things that will help you get better – even if it means that I won’t see you or talk to you for a while. This is the Season of You. When you are ready, we will move forward. Together.

But until then, recover. I’m rooting for you.

You're not alone.

A friend of mine texted out of the blue the other day:

Hi, Iris. Is it okay if you call my friend right now? He has a history of depression. I’m busy right now and he really needs someone to talk to.

Life has a funny way of waking you up by punching you in the face with a surprise. Here was my friend, whom I haven’t seen in over 2 years, seriously asking if I could pick up the phone and listen to the story of a person I have never met in my life.

So I hesitated. (Naturally.)

There is something about vulnerability and loneliness that gets us running in the opposite direction. But then I started thinking: I talk about love all the time. With my friends. To my students. In my journal. I’m an ardent believer but not a good practitioner. If I had to be honest, real honest, the things about love that I love the most are the very things I suck at. Because at the heart of love is a willingness to be inconvenienced. Love doesn’t count the cost. And when a broken person reaches out in the dark, love does not look the other way.

A world where strangers meet you at the point of your deepest brokenness — that sounds awfully nice. So I stopped running.

I wasn’t able to call him that night but I did text him. I do not know what demons he is facing or why he was so desperate for someone — anyone — to sit down and tell him that everything was going to be okay but I did anyway. The honest truth is that I don’t really know if things will actually get better. Maybe he’s at rockbottom and his life is utter crap. Maybe he’s dealing with wounds that will take a lifetime to heal. But I believe we are able to recover from everything. I believe we were wired that way. Call me an idealist but I believe that if a broken man searches for hope and is patient with life, he will find it. I believe that we are covered in a beautiful mystery called grace, which picks us up from the wreckage and restores us in ways we could not even begin to hope for. But we have to let it.

It still surprises me how many people out there are waiting for even the smallest glimmer of hope to come piercing through. Well, guess what? We’re all windows with the potential to shine some light.

I told the guy that day that I would gladly help him in any way I possibly could. And then I told him something and it’s a statement that changed my life and continues to change it because it is true even when I believe it isn’t. This statement dictates how I feel about myself as well as the decisions I make, most especially what I choose to do once my world has collapsed entirely.

YOU ARE LOVED.

Knowing I am loved changes everything. It gives me the freedom to take risks and pursue dreams. It is the truth that strips down my walls, giving me the chance to just breathe and be me. Knowing I am loved means I am fully aware that someone will still want me even after I have crashed and burned and failed again; even after my outer shell has been wrecked to reveal an entire wardrobe of ugliness.

Knowing I am loved means that I have nothing to lose. Knowing I am loved changes the game for good.

It’s a pretty simple statement. Maybe you’ve heard it before. Maybe you’ve been hearing it all your life. How many of you really know it? How many of you really believe in the truth and power of that statement? How many of you are willing to bet on its veracity? How many of you would claim that statement for your lives? How many of you would let it change you?

Everyone says that life is too short but the truth is that life is too freaking long to be spent thinking that nobody cares.

Just in case I haven’t gotten my point across enough, let me say it again. Louder.

You are loved.

You are. You really really are. Really and truly. I promise.

* If you have been wrestling with thoughts of suicide, call your local suicide prevention hotline. (All numbers can be found online) If you are from the Philippines, the numbers are: (02) 8969191 or 0917 854 9191. There are people who want to help you. You may also consider reading this.

Hang on. <3

Common reactor.

Back when nothing hurt, you snapped and told me ”it’s always mind games with you!” I scowled back and said “as if it’s not the same with you!”.

It’s a no brainer how careful I was in letting you in. For what it’s worth, you got through my head way before you did my heart. Perhaps you were never meant to reach the latter—all became too screwed up for me to handle that I freaked out, just so we remain precise, and ran away from you. No, I’m pretty sure we both haven’t figured out the reasons. We’re both too selfish to do that, I think. I’d use the word scramble but I don’t want it to sound as though I left you hanging. I was sensible with you. My feelings always came first, but we both know I cared more for what could be felt than you did.

Running from you? that I’m not so sure you hate me for. When I think about it, it could have been the most convenient thing I’ve done for you. I like dealing with my own crap and well, you simply got a free pass.

You probably despise me for always dodging you, increasingly so these past few months, if I must say. And now I can’t even be bothered to respond right when you reach out to me. My actions are in contradiction, but I speak the truth when I say I’m trying.

We just can’t seem to put it down. And honestly, right now I won’t even dare to find out why.

A different kind of fixing.

Yesterday, I learned something new about myself.

We are well aware that people have the great ability to hurt you, to disappoint in levels no one would ever want. It happens and we have no option but to deal with the struggle of letting the pain go. We abhor it, but at the same time nurture it as if it’s a form of sustenance, a source of balance.

I believe it to be true when people say that our pain becomes a part of us, and among other things, I honestly think that is a beauty on its own. However, it doesn’t become us. It should not become us. There is a fine line and I do know that pain makes us do things, some we feel, and just might truly be, inevitable, but we must try our hardest to rise above it.

I loved quite some time ago and on a normal circumstance, I would say “I fell in love and unfortunately it didn’t turn out the way that I hoped”, but I’m beginning to see that it did. Those who had their hearts broken usually find themselves scared to love again—“I loved so much I don’t think I’ll ever feel that way again, or worse manage to survive another heartbreak”.

Somehow things are different now.

I’m not trying to romanticize anything. It hurt. I did not fall and secretly kept heartbreak as a secondary goal (as much as my natural cynical side might object). Good grief, pain isn’t an ideal.

My love was a great love. I wanted it to work out for us, but it didn’t.

That love has changed me in ways I never thought possible which is what I think makes it great. It made me very happy and very sad at the same time. Both thinking and not thinking are good and you must teach yourself to find the balance between the two. I learned that I can love for two people but it doesn’t mean that I always should. I learned that if you do decide to completely open yourself up to another, it is smart to take your time. The moment you feel that you have the slightest doubt, sit down and think about it. I saw how forgiving and accepting I can be, believe me I was surprised, too. I learned that if you stay true to your heart’s desires, the bigger your chances are of walking away without regrets. I now know that once a love begins to change you, you must be fully committed to it and to the person you are with.

The day you wake up feeling like someone you don’t know is the day you need to make a choice. I learned the hard way but timing can just be everything.

Falling in love is perhaps one of the best experiences anyone could ever have in his or her lifetime. You will never be the same person you were when you first realized that you love somebody. All of this can be good if you let them.

Yesterday, I saw that I do not harbor guilt and anger. It’s not easy and to be fair, I suppose it depends on how events played out, regardless I do know that allowing these negative emotions to govern your life won’t benefit anyone, especially yourself. If anything, it will only make you grumpy, perpetually disappointed and stuck.

It pays to have the bigger heart. Although it is likely to end up being the one hurting more, in the long run you will realize that not everyone is blessed with the delicate ability to love immensely without remorse.

So instead, I now say that when the universe wills me to love again, I look forward to it. That day when someone will come into my life and make me feel the same way if not exceed it, to once again realize that I have so much love to give and more things to learn about myself.

Fan Girl-ing. Fingers Cross-ing.

This is a fan girl post. I'm rarely a "serious" fan girl. So once I become one, I go hardcore.

I've always loved cars. that's it, I just do. And I like fast cars, and I like to see people who drive fast (I stopped driving when I got into an accident, haha). So, it dawned on me to youtube drag races. Then I didn't find what I want. And then, I found the word: drift. The first video that I watched was called "Tanner Foust Street Drift: Mulholland". I loved it. Long story short, I discovered that probably the greatest drifter in the world is Tanner Foust. There's Pastrana and of course Ken Block, BUUUT Tanner has beaten Block twice in a gymkhana event. AAAND! He IS a two-time Formula Drift world champ. The only one, so far, who has gotten it twice.

So I was watching more Tanner videos and stumbled upon his website. There's a tracker in the lower left corner that says "Where's Tanner". Then a tiny map will show up and you'd know which part of the world he's in. The first time I checked it which was a week ago, it told me that he was somewhere in California. So okay. then I checked again 2 days ago (wala, feel ko lang. haha) and BOOM. The map of Makati showed up and said that he's in Mandarin Deli.

I DIED.

What are the chances that a person you've been watching and technically "admiring" and who lives on the other side of the world is suddenly just an hour plane ride+ 30-minute taxi ride away from you. And he's been in the drift scene for a long time. And I recently just thought "hey I want to watch drift videos". Timing was simply unbelievable. I keep on thinking I magnetized him. But what the actual fcuk is that? Haha.

Being the hardcore that I am, I called the Mandarin Oriental. Conversation went like this:

Operator: Good afternoon, Mandarin Oriental Hotel, how may I help you?
Me: Hi good afternoon, would just like to ask if a certain Mr. Tanner Foust is your guest in your hotel right now?
O: Could you spell that to me, ma'm?
M: (I spelled)
O: Kindly hold while I check, ma'm, thank you.
M: (heart beating fast.)
O: Yes, ma'm we do, WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO CONNECT YOU TO HIS ROOM?
M: (aaaaaaahhhhh @$#$^%&^&$$##!!!! heart beats wild, clears throat) Is that okay? [????????]
O: Of course, ma'm, kindly hold while I connect you.
*phone ringing*
M: (shut*nginamels. wala na akong puso. waiting..)

And then of course I thought it was just too good to be true. Machine-operated girl answered the phone and told me to leave a message after the beep. So I did. Very geeky. Haha.

I really want to meet this guy, so I'm planning something pretty huge. And I'm not exactly taking my time with the planning and stuff since I have no idea till when he'll be here. (he's here for the Bourne movie, I think. for stunt driving) so I've been frequently checking the tracker.

It's funny how he's not famous at all here so the operator @ Mandarin just poof, connected me to his room just like that.